


Traumatic Kermit Papping

by Neigedens



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen, pesterfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-19
Updated: 2013-05-19
Packaged: 2017-12-12 07:22:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,785
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/808861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Neigedens/pseuds/Neigedens
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dave tries to live out a dream from his childhood, and ends up reopening old wounds instead.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Traumatic Kermit Papping

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sfingella (thesewordselope)](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=sfingella+%28thesewordselope%29).



> This fic is based off a [MSPARP log](http://onecatch.tumblr.com/post/45741429521/dave-and-karkat-are-covered-in-kittens) I was part of a few months ago. I was the Dave and I was never able to find out who the Karkat was. If it was you, let me know! For as brief as it is, it's one of my favorite RP logs.
> 
> This fic is for Ella, who wouldn't shut up about it until I finished it. ♥

> Dave: Put genius plan into motion.

KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT SHOW?

> Dave: Explain shit show.

DAVE: theyre kittens  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK, WHY DID YOU JUST DUMP A BOX OF THEM ON ME WHEN I WAS SITTING HERE??  
DAVE: ok well  
DAVE: remember how my alt universe teen ninja mom asked me for a favor  
KARKAT: NO?  
DAVE: she asked if i would use my rad time powers to save all the doomed kitties from her basement back on doomed future earth  
DAVE: see cause the place they were living in wasnt technically part of her house  
DAVE: so it didnt get saved when she got sent to the medium  
DAVE: and i was like fuck yeah just call me cat savior  
KARKAT: THAT'S WONDERFUL, DAVE. THANK YOU FOR EXPLAINING THAT SO FUCKING WELL. NO FURTHER QUESTIONS!  
DAVE: no see   
DAVE: after i was done saving these cuddly mofos  
DAVE: which i will spare you the grisly details of but suffice to say it was an UNDERTAKING  
DAVE: post-apocalyptic wind blowin my cape as im gatherin up little furry things to my chest like fucking snow white gathers apples  
KARKAT: OW! ONE OF THESE FUCKERS BIT ME.  
DAVE: yeah theyll do that  
DAVE: anyway after i was done rescuing and returning them i asked roxy if she minded me taking one for my trouble  
DAVE: like as a reward  
DAVE: and she was like   
DAVE: one one you just want ONE what the fuck is WRONG with you just wanting one you stupid fuck take a whole BUNCH  
DAVE: i felt like that poor schlub at the end of 101 dalmatians all  
DAVE: welp  
DAVE: so i picked up a bunch   
DAVE: and instead of introducing them to you gradually like a normal person i decided to dump them all on you en masse so  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: surprise motherfucker  
KARKAT: WOW, A LONG AND NEEDLESSLY COMPLICATED EXPLANATION FROM DAVE STRIDER, WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT?  
KARKAT: IN THE MEANTIME, THESE LITTLE HELLIONS HAVE BEEN SAVAGING ME LIKE THE RECKLESS BAND OF BLOODTHIRSTY PREDATORS THEY ARE.  
KARKAT: GOOD JOB PICKING 'EM OUT THERE, DAVE!  
DAVE: dude theyre kittens   
DAVE: they literally could fit in the palm of your hand  
KARKAT: THEY LOOK PRETTY FUCKING FIERCE TO ME, BRO. LOOK AT THOSE JAWS. THOSE ARE RIPPING TEETH.  
KARKAT: WHEN THESE LITTLE GUYS REACH THEIR PUPATION STAGE, THEY WILL TAKE NOBODY'S SHIT.  
DAVE: great  
DAVE: im glad you guys are starting to get along  
DAVE: their pupation wont be for awhile tho  
DAVE: i picked the littlest ones that were just old enough to leave their mother  
DAVE: apparently rose is going to gradually introduce the idea of non-invasive sterilization to mom  
DAVE: our mom i mean not the cats mom  
KARKAT: ...   
DAVE: anyway yeah i figure ill leave that vital reeducation up to rose  
DAVE: in the meantime we get the fun part  
KARKAT: WHEN DOES THAT START?  
DAVE: no dude come on  
DAVE: dont be like that  
KARKAT: BE LIKE WHAT?  
DAVE: all  
DAVE: rraughhh im some big tough shit who doesnt understand how fluffy things work rrraughhh  
KARKAT: YOU'RE NOT MAKING ANY GODDAMN SENSE.

> Dave: Explain therapeutic method.

DAVE: i thought  
DAVE: hey great idea i mean as long as i got all these damn cats i might as well do what i have always dreamed of doing for a pal  
DAVE: aka kitten dumping  
KARKAT: OW! THAT ONE BIT ME AGAIN.  
DAVE: isnt it beautiful  
DAVE: when he pupates hes sure to be a fearsome warrior  
DAVE: with a taste for karkat meat  
KARKAT: WHEN HE PUPATES MAYBE HIS MEAT'LL BE WORTH EATING.  
KARKAT: AS THEY ARE NOW THERE WOULD BE HARDLY ANYTHING ON THEM AFTER YOU SKINNED AND GUTTED THEM.  
DAVE: whoa wow no  
DAVE: no  
DAVE: no  
KARKAT: WHA-  
DAVE: no  
KARKAT: DO YOU NOT LIKE PUNY MEOWBEAST MEAT, DAVE?  
DAVE: wtf   
DAVE: no eating the cats jesus  
DAVE: personal distaste aside do you know how much mud my name would be chez lalonde if they found out i let you do that  
DAVE: so much mud  
DAVE: so much  
DAVE: tide aint getting that stain out  
DAVE: its like  
DAVE: ground in there good  
DAVE: baked into the fibers  
KARKAT: OK, YOU'RE NOT MAKING ANY SENSE, AS IS USUAL.  
KARKAT: BUT WHAT I'M GETTING FROM YOUR NONSTOP FOUNTAIN OF HORSESHIT IS THAT YOU HAVE SOME SORT OF OBJECTION TO ME UTILIZING THESE CREATURES' BONES, PELT, OR MEAT IN ANY WAY WHATSOEVER.  
KARKAT: WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THEM THEN?  
KARKAT: OW! AGAIN WITH THE BITING! WHAT THE HELL? 'CAUSE FROM MY PERSPECTIVE IT'S EAT OR BE EATEN HERE.  
DAVE: no look  
DAVE: its not blast-off device science here ok  
DAVE: you just love them and theyll make you feel good  
KARKAT: I FEEL FINE.  
DAVE: well theyll make you feel better  
KARKAT: /:B

> Karkat: Psychoanalyze alien counterpart's love of meowbeasts.

There's nothing to analyze. Dave obviously only orchestrated this as a ruse to get your strange Earth goat. Figuratively, of course, though given the other bizarre fauna he has literally dropped into your lap, maybe you shouldn't rule it out.

There are a total of five kittens crawling over you. Strider insists that you name them.

> Karkat: Abjure.

KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK DO THEY NEED NAMES FOR?  
DAVE: do trolls just not have pets  
DAVE: besides your crabdads and whatnot i guess  
KARKAT: NOPE!  
DAVE: ok well on earth we gave our pets names  
DAVE: and named them and loved them for the span of their abbreviated lives  
KARKAT: WHY IS IT ABBREVIATED?  
DAVE: because most kinds of pets dont live as long as humans do  
KARKAT: SO WHY HAVE THEM?  
DAVE: wow  
KARKAT: I'M JUST SAYING! TROLLS KEEP OUR LUSUSES WITH US FOR MOST OF OUR NATURAL LIVES, EXCLUDING ACCIDENTS AND THE STENCH GRENADE OF BAD LUCK THAT WAS SOLLUX'S FUCKING CURSE, WHICH I UNLEASHED ON OUR UNWITTING ASSES LIKE THE FROND HUMPING NERF HERDER THAT I AM.  
DAVE: what  
KARKAT: BUT HUMANS AREN'T FORCED INTO SUCH A RUTHLESS CROSS-SPECIES CODEPENDENCY AT THE VERY MOMENT OF THEIR EMERGENCE FROM THE WRIGGLING CAVERNS.  
KARKAT: AND YET YOU WILLINGLY GO INTO THEM WITH CREATURES YOU ARE ALMOST GUARANTEED TO OUTLIVE!  
KARKAT: WHY PUT YOURSELF THROUGH THAT SO NEEDLESSLY?  
DAVE: i think i get you now  
DAVE: is that what this is  
DAVE: some unworked through issues with your deceased monster dad  
KARKAT: WHAT? NO--  
DAVE: i see how it is  
DAVE: you look at this little kitten and for some reason your weird troll eyes can only see the slavering maw of your crabdad  
KARKAT: FUCK OFF.  
DAVE: ha ha nailed it  
KARKAT: THAT'S STUPID.  
KARKAT: THIS IS STUPID.  
KARKAT: ALSO YOU'RE AN IDIOT.  
DAVE: dang sick burn dog  
DAVE: i mean i think that its stupid for trolls to entrust their young to literal monsters  
DAVE: so maybe we should compromise here  
DAVE: omg that one just headbutted me  
DAVE: omg  
KARKAT: DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!  
DAVE: omg  
KARKAT: GODDAMMIT.

> Karkat: Psychoanalyze Dave anyway.

KARKAT: MAYBE THE REASON YOU TAKE IN THESE MINI-LUSII IS TO COMPENSATE FOR DEFICIENCIES IN YOUR OWN UPBRINGING.  
KARKAT: I'VE ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT ENTRUSTING THE GRUBS OF A SPECIES TO ELDERS _OF THAT SAME SPECIES_ WAS A RECIPE FOR MADNESS. LOOK AT WHAT IT DID TO YOU.  
DAVE: whats that supposed to mean  
KARKAT: I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE IT'S REFERRING TO THE LIBRARY OF ELABORATE NEUROSES THAT COMPRISE THE DEPTHS OF YOUR THINKPAN?  
DAVE: come on dude  
DAVE: first of all that is totally a case of the concave food preparation device calling the kettle ochre  
KARKAT: WHAT??  
DAVE: and secondly  
DAVE: dude  
DAVE: i thought we were over that  
KARKAT: I'M JUST SAYING, AS YOUR FRIEND, THAT YOU ARE POSSIBLY AS BUGFUCK AS ME.  
KARKAT: MAYBE EVEN BUGGER FUCK.  
DAVE: bugger fuck  
DAVE: jesus christ  
DAVE: all the stuff you say lately is this weird mix of your insane troll anarchronisms and dregs of whatever pop cultural detritus you last watched   
DAVE: how is it possible that even after knowing you longer i understand you even less  
KARKAT: YOU'RE SIDESTEPPING THE ISSUE HERE.  
KARKAT: YOU HAVE SO MANY DELUSIONS AND COMPLEXES IT'S NOT EVEN FUNNY, AND YOUR ATTEMPTS TO HIDE THEM ARE AS TRANSPARENT AS YOUR SHADES ARE NOT.  
DAVE: what  
KARKAT: TO GIVE YOU AN EXAMPLE! ROSE EXPLAINED TO ME HOW BIZARRE YOU ARE WHEN IT COMES TO THE HILARIOUS FELT-FORMED HOMUNCULI THAT FEATURE IN MANY MOVIES FOR EARTH WRIGGLERS.  
DAVE: what??  
KARKAT: CONTRARY TO WHAT YOU TOLD ME IN ALL SERIOUSNESS, THESE "MUPPET" MOVIES ARE NOT THE MOST HEINOUS KIND OF PORNOGRAPHY EARTH HAS EVER KNOWN.  
KARKAT: WHICH MAKES YOUR LUSUS' AFFINITY FOR THEM CONSIDERABLY LESS HARDCORE THAN I WAS LED TO BELIEVE.  
KARKAT: BUT NEVER MIND. THAT'S NOT THE POINT.  
KARKAT: THE POINT IS THAT THESE MOP-LIKE PUPPETS ARE NOT TERRIFYING MONSTROSITIES TO OTHER EARTH WRIGGLERS.  
KARKAT: ROSE EVEN TOLD ME THAT THEY ARE GENERALLY CONSIDERED "CUTE."   
DAVE: maybe i told you that to fuck with you  
DAVE: maybe rose told you that to fuck with you  
DAVE: maybe were both fucking with you and that really is evidence of nothing at all  
KARKAT: YEAH RIGHT. I'VE OBSERVED ENOUGH OF YOUR CULTURE TO KNOW THAT THERE'S NOTHING OUT OF THE NORM ABOUT THESE FILMS.  
KARKAT: I WATCHED SOME OF THESE MOVIES FOR MYSELF. I KNOW HOW FULL OF SHIT YOU ARE. WHY DID YOU MAKE UP SUCH A FRIVOLOUS LIE ABOUT THEM?  
DAVE: better question is   
DAVE: why did you watch them when i told you they were the most disgusting pornography moral-wise humanity had ever produced  
KARKAT: DO YOU REALLY HAVE TO ASK THAT?  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: yeah ok  
DAVE: but still  
DAVE: i told you that people were killed on camera in those movies  
DAVE: do you remember what i called them karkat  
KARKAT: YOU CALLED THEM SNUFFET FILMS.  
KARKAT: BUT NOBODY WAS SNUFFED. THEY WERE ACTUALLY PRETTY ENJOYABLE.  
DAVE: bite your fucking tongue  
KARKAT: LOOK, THE POINT IS THAT YOU MISLED ME ON THE SUBJECT OUT OF SOME DEEP-SEATED FEAR INSIDE YOUR TORTURED THINK PAN.  
KARKAT: HA! AFTER YOUR MANY ATTEMPTS TO INEFFECTIVELY "TROLL" ME, DON'T YOU THINK I'M WELL AWARE OF WHEN YOU'RE SIMPLY TRYING TO MISDIRECT MY ATTENTION?  
DAVE: rolling out the enclosure talons again huh  
DAVE: lets just put a lid on this whole subject alright  
DAVE: lets not force me to explain who said what and who lied to who  
KARKAT: IT WAS YOU WHO LIED TO ME  
DAVE: shhh  
DAVE: if you had sustained the number of foam puppet asses to the face that i did during my childhood  
DAVE: you would not be bringing this subject up  
DAVE: so do you think you could stop making me reminisce fondly over traumatic kermit pappings of sweeps past and give these bad boys names  
KARKAT: NAMES?  
DAVE: yeah i mean  
DAVE: obviously you and the kittens need some bonding time  
KARKAT: UGH.  
DAVE: yeah i know its real hard work but give it a shot  
DAVE: ill leave you to it  
KARKAT: FINE.

==>

Less than a week later you have to give up. When Karkat finds out you've caved he's never going to let you live it down, but you don't care. You return to Casa Lalonde with the kittens, packed in the same box that you brought them in.

> Dave: Equivocate.

Equivocation is probably not the right word for all the outright lying you're about to do. And thanks to her class, her aspect, and her general air of nosiness that all Lalondes seem to carry, Rose is probably gonna realize what's up right away, but you still don't care. You find mother and daughter on the beach, laying out together and talking like there's nothing at all weird about hanging out with the teenage version of your progenitors. Not that you're jealous or anything.

ROSE: Hello, Dave.   
ROXY: sup shorty  
ROXY: omg  
ROXY: omg  
ROXY: you brought me MORE kittens???  
ROXY: i appreciate the sentiment but me and rose have decided to agree on not keeping a buttload o kitties in the house in order to preserve some semblance of harmony in this fly as fuck home  
ROXY: aint that right ro-lo?  
ROSE: With some disagreement on what constitutes "a buttload," but yes.  
DAVE: yeah hey thats great  
DAVE: good to hear that  
DAVE: but unfortunately these are the kittens i took the other day  
ROXY: oh nooooooo what happened??  
ROXY: dave, are you hatin on them cause some of them got the wrong number of eyes? ::(  
ROXY: cause thats a shitty thing to do  
ROSE: Yeah, Dave. What gives? Why this hatred of the quadriocular?  
DAVE: 90% sure thats not actually a word dude  
DAVE: also its not me  
DAVE: i   
DAVE: uh  
DAVE: i LOVE the little tykes dont get me wrong  
ROSE: Uh huh.  
DAVE: its karkat

> Dave: Fib.

Both Rose and Roxy have given you straight up eyebrow raises in response to that, as if to say, as one, 'we smell a rat,' but you trust your own glibness to carry you through.

DAVE: its just a troll thing i guess  
DAVE: living with him now i think i understand it  
DAVE: trolls dont GET pets, know what i mean  
DAVE: theyre just not in their nature  
ROXY: no offense dave but that sounds like a load of bullshit  
ROXY: why do you hate kitties so much????

Roxy is the type of person to take personal offense to such a character flaw as disliking meowb-- cats. You can't help but hold up your hands defensively.

DAVE: no no no  
DAVE: i dont hate  
DAVE: i love   
DAVE: i even kept one for myself  
DAVE: to keep in my room  
DAVE: i named him myself and everything  
DAVE: his names wilson, after my man owen  
ROXY: ...  
ROXY: wtf  
ROXY: you named the friggin awesome kitty i gave you  
ROXY: wilson  
ROXY: no offense dude but thats a dumbass name  
DAVE: hey fuck you

Things are rapidly spiraling out of control. Thankfully Rose steps in before it can come to blows. (Not that it would. Roxy is quite fond of you, or so you've always assumed.)

ROSE: So Karkat wasn't taking to them, is what you're saying.  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: i figure wilson can just hang out in my room  
DAVE: should be able to keep out of karkats way  
ROSE: Mmm.  
DAVE: so  
DAVE: uh  
ROSE: You're leaving us to it, I take it?  
DAVE: yeah i guess  
DAVE: told the roommate id be back in time for dinner so  
DAVE: later  
ROSE: Bye, Dave.  
ROXY: l8r strider ;)

You leave, deciding based on Rose's sanguine manner and Roxy's wink that you're in the clear and that no one is the wiser. You did forget, of course, the matter of the collars...

==>

ROXY: poor little guys :(  
ROXY: dont worry, we will still love you  
ROXY: and play with you and feed you and give you names  
ROXY: wait  
ROXY: omg rose  
ROXY: rose look, lil strider and that weird troll must have given them names before they cruelly abandoned them to us  
ROSE: Really.  
ROXY: one of those dudes musta alchemized lil collars for the kitties omg thats so cute :3  
ROSE: Interesting.  
ROXY: this ones fozzie? i guess. according to the tag  
ROXY: this ones animal  
ROXY: miss piggy  
ROXY: beaker  
ROXY: wow weird names  
ROXY: do you think its a troll thing  
ROSE: No. No, I am sensing a pattern here.

Roxy, growing up displaced in time as she did, is unfamiliar with the naming convention used here. The choices were undoubtedly Karkat's idea. As a passive-aggressive gesture it's top-notch; it would be the envy of your 12 year-old self. As it is, you explain to your teenage mother the meaning behind the names and the context of Dave's antipathy for them in relation to his guardian without any reference to your own past, or your own guardian, for that matter.

ROXY: ohhhhh  
ROXY: so thats why dave kept all of em except the one he named after a volleyball  
ROSE: You saw Cast Away but you never saw a single Muppet movie?  
ROXY: yup. love me some o that sexy shirtless tom hanks ;)  
ROSE: ...Right.  
ROXY: so dave got rid of all of these primo kittens just because they got named after muppets  
ROSE: So it would seem.  
ROXY: huh  
ROXY: alt dirk really messed that poor kid up   
ROXY: didnt he  
ROSE: And then some. We should take the kittens back to the house.

And, carrying the box between you, you do, and some more charitable instinct inside you is what keeps you from ever bringing up the subject with Dave again.


End file.
